Loss

I hate that my first blog post is going to be a rather depressing one, but this week has been pretty rough. Two things have been lost this week, one which was mine to lose and the other was someone else's but still affected me a lot, nonetheless.

I'll start with the one of my own, even though it happened more recently. Well... it was finalized more recently but its been a long time coming. There's this guy that I used to date. We broke up December of 2007, so we've had quite some time to get over each other. We were still pretty good friends until the beginning of this year. He got a new girlfriend who is absolutely stunning and from what I've heard from other people a really sweet girl. I've never had anything against her seeing as, obviously I want my friends to be happy and have good relationships. But for some reason my guy friend has been saying that gets really upset/mad when we talk even if its just for the class that we're in together. This has been going on since they started dating a couple months ago. He's even broken plans with me to work on a school project because she didn't like that we were going to be together. She and I have even tried to work it out, and I've let her know before that there was nothing to worry about & that I'd never do anything to put their relationship in danger. So for the past few weeks, my friend has been slowly distancing himself from me more and more, to the point where he literally ignores me when I try to talk to him in class. I've tried to talk to him, and he said that he wasn't going to stop being friends with me because of her, but things haven't gone back to the way they were before. Just the other day I invited him to come to a cook out at my house for my 18th birthday next week. Its a really big deal to me to have my friends there to celebrate my last high school birthday. And he told me not only could he not come because his girlfriend wouldn't like it, but also that he couldn't "associate with me anymore because it was bad for his relationship."

I hate that feeling of knowing you've lost a friend over something stupid. I'm not saying that his girlfriend is the stupid part of this loss, but I will say that I don't think its ever okay to compromise a good friendship for a high school relationship. I'm also not saying that all high school relationships fail, but the vast majority of them end up not working for the long run. I don't know, maybe thats just me not wanting to accept changes that inevitably will happen sooner or later. But I really don't like losing people when it can be helped. ):

Okay, the next loss of this week. The one that wasn't my own relative/relationship. One of my friends who I absolutely care the world about lost his mother on Tuesday to cancer. I'd honestly only met her once and spoke to her briefly on the phone a small handful of times, but it hurt so bad. More than I ever could have imagined. But just knowing that someone I care about so much is hurting tore me to pieces. After I found out from another close friend about her passing on Tuesday, I spent the next four hours crying. And after that, I slept for literally 12 hours until I had to get up the next morning for a doctor's appointment. Going to the doctor didn't help the depression that I was in at all, considering I had to get shots and I'm terribly afraid of needles. And as a side note, I don't generally refer to my sad days as me being depressed. In fact, I never have. No, I wasn't suicidal. But I've honestly been distraught all week. I'm usually a pretty chill and happy person. But this knocked my feet out from under me. Thursday, I got out of school early to go to her funeral. One of my amazing friends went with me, both to be there for me and for our mutual friend (& his sister & the rest of his family) and we met another one of our friends once we got there. It was unbelievable how many people were there to celebrate his mother's life. My friend and I got there half an hour before the service was to begin and the parking lot was already packed. Fifteen minutes before the service began, people had to start being seated in the balcony because of how full the church was with friends and family and coworkers, and even a few people who had never met her but knew her through other people.

The funeral service was beautiful, and it opened my eyes to what an amazing person she was and how lucky I was to have even known her the little bit that I did. It lifted my spirits a lot to learn that she was a meticulous planner and organizer and that she had time to plan for her children's future without her. Of course, I spent the entire hour crying, especially at the beginning and end when the family was led in and out of the church. Just being able to see my friend and his sister brought tears to my eyes. But once I got home, I felt like a weight was lifted. I'm still sad, but I know that with time, my friend will be okay. And until then, he has all of us to help him through.